Sidetracked

Before I get sidetracked talking about family trees, I want to get another post done about the days and weeks after my baby came into the world!
In total I spent four nights in the hospital. I was soo ready to go home. I was craving the normalcy of our pre baby life. The day after Colin was born I had already had some self doubt. I thought "We should have waited a couple more years, I'm not ready, I can't do this anymore". I think this is very typical but I had anxiety about how my current relationships with people, mostly my husband, were going to be affected by me becoming a mother.

The first night at home was hard because I had gotten conflicting advice from my doctor and the nurses about feeding the baby. The doctor said only feed every three hours but the nurses said feed whenever he's hungry which could be every hour. How confusing!!

Colin was a great baby, he slept a lot, ate every few hours but took a long time to nurse! About an hour total. I was napping every chance I got and also completing school work for my ECE program. I still felt badly though. I felt bad that I didn't want to hold him every minute of the day. I felt bad when he would cry and I didn't know what to do. I felt bad that he would keep my husband up at night and felt like I should be able to make him happy and stop crying.  My family offered to take him overnight so we could catch up on sleep but I was afraid to let him go overnight because I feared that I wouldn't want him back in the morning, and that I would resent him when I did have to take him home. I also had thoughts of giving him to my sister and going back to be Auntie. I was good at being Auntie. I knew how to be Auntie. I didn't know how to be Mommy.

Disclaimer: Our bond grew daily, and I began to want to hold him all the time :D